WestraDamus

 

WestraDamus 2017

For past rantings, see www.wessays.blogspot.com

 

 

   

With 2017 upon us, we offer the 28th anniversary edition of the WestraDamus antidictions, those for the year 2016 and presented each December or January for the year gone by and generally wrong.


'Damus started as a parody of the forward looking astrological year-enders appearing in the supermarket tabloids, almost always wrong but never acknowledged or corrected.


The Non-Prophet has grown into an American institution, like the Chicago Cubs, the endless war in the Middle East, the Lion King, Wal-mart, stolen elections, fake economic figures and a congress that would get Jefferson thinking "what were we thinking?"

Top of the Year:

And what a year it will have been!  America elects its first woman President, Hillary Clinton.  Finally! A woman in the White House.

A tip of the 'Damus hat to President Romney who will show himself not only a peacemaker in the Middle East and engineer of the most stunning economic recovery in our history, but a gracious and graceful host as he will allow Mrs. Clinton to break protocol and lead her own "getting to know you" tour of the White House.

Mrs. Clinton, to her credit, will disconnect the direct phone line to Domino's and close the private presidential study adjacent to the oval office.

Showing a spirit of unity, Mrs. Clinton will reach across party lines in naming her cabinet. She will name Goldman Sachs CEO and Howie Mandel lookalike Lloyd Blankfein as Secretary of the Treasury and one time Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee as Secretary of Health and Human Services.

 And there will be talk of her nominating her ex-husband Bill to the US Supreme Court.

She will name her great and good friend Patty Murray, a US Senator from Washington State, as Chief of Staff and former Rep. Gabby Giffords to the newly created cabinet level post of Gun Collector in Chief.

 

Also at the top of the year:  Real Estate prices in Cincinnati will skyrocket as signs go up hailing it as "Future Home of America's biggest Atlantic Seaport."

Now... more of the top news that will happen last year.

January:

President Romney will sign an agreement with Iran in which Tehran promises to end its nuclear missile program in return for a 150% matching grant for its GDP, and promises not to attack the United States until it feels like it, certainly not before the check clears.

Taiwan will elect its first woman president but Tsai Lng-Wen will later be revealed as Chiang Kai-shek's great grandson in drag.

African American members of the Motion Picture Academy will give a vote of confidence to its board of directors even though no black man or woman has won a top tier Oscar since Hattie McDaniel in 1940 for her role as the secret leader of a motorcycle EMS corps operating in Plains, Georgia.

February:

Albert Einstein will rise from the grave and say "Hey, guys, I was wrong about how space and time are connected," thus plunging modern physics into a black hole from which it cannot return despite Stephen Hawking's belief that he, too, was wrong about the nature of black holes.

Antonin Scalia will hold a news conference in Texas to announce his support of retaining Roe v. Wade,  will fail to produce photo i.d. and his birth certificate but will deny rumors he has died.

China will begin building offshore missile launching sites on Japan which it will claim is an island in its territorial waters.

March:  

President Romney will visit Cuba which may foreshadow a resumption of diplomatic relations. But  that dream quickly shatters when Raul Castro takes Romney captive at gunpoint and demands a ransom paid in Staples gift cards.

On his return to the US, President Romney will announce that he will not run for re-election leaving the republican nomination a sure win for former Florida official JEB Bush.

Southern states will be hard-hit by early spring storms but will survive much to the dismay of the rest of the country, will come to realize that the weather is punishment for their cruel redneck ways and will reform.

APRIL:

Mississippi will enact a law making it mandatory to put homophobic slurs on decorated wedding cakes purchased by engaged gay and lesbian couples.

The US Supreme Court will require state legislators redrawing congressional district lines to count everyone in a district except those they don't like or who disagree with them.

National Cash Register will introduce a new drawer with an additional slot for bills, thus allowing those so inclined to segregate the Harriet Tubman 20s from those with Andrew Jackson.

MAY:

Mississippi, fresh from passing groundbreaking anti-gay legislation will consider a bill providing state funding for three category seating on inter-city buses: First class, Business class and blacks.

Mexican cartels will start using a new way to smuggle drugs across the US border by blowing up oil rigs and using the energy to catapult contraband beyond the reach of the border patrol and straight into the arms of their American partners and customers in Kansas and Colorado.

Friskies will build two new cat food plants in India to meet the demand sparked by the recent census showing the tiger population rising for the first time in 38 years.

JUNE:

Under pressure from the NRA, Florida legislators will pass a law requiring everyone over the age of seven to carry a handgun, the governor will sign the bill while an eight year old girl smilingly holds a gun to his head.

The US Navy will honor an invitation to participate in Uganda's annual Idi Amin War Games after finally figuring out how to transport an aircraft carrier and two Class-6 battle ships over land from Port Mombasa, Kenya.

The FDA will find a link between lung cancer and second hand sugar.

JULY:

Fox News chairman Roger Ailes will step down amid rumors he has lived for years with media mogul and Howie Mandell look alike David Geffen.

Bladerunner Oscar Pistorious will be cleared of murder charges in South Africa and will join Arthur Murray Dance Studios as professor emeritus of polka.

A solar powered plane will abandon its effort to fly non- stop around the world when it hits a hot air balloon traveling slowly over Texas.

August:

President Romney will disclose that the "EASY" Button on his desk in the Oval Office does not connect him with Staples.com which he owns but rather puts him on the air live at all 53,287 iHeart Radio stations which he also owns.

National Democratic Party chair Debbie Wasserman Test will announce her resignation for medical reasons and undergo surgery to correct a deviated septum and two broken nails.

The Government of Colombia will make peace with the FARC rebels but forget to tell them.

September:

Russian President Vladimir Putin will announce his retirement, to take place on September 2, 2056.

Automaker Elon Musk will announce his plan to populate Mars which involves sending up enough supplies to build a small town and impregnating the 15 Martian women he has been holding hostage in the basement of his battery factory in the Nevada desert.

As US relations with Cuba continue to thaw, the FDA will announce that sugar is poisonous and thus cripple the Cuban economy which now can only survive by sharply increasing its production of rum and cigars.

October:

Hurricane Matthew will fail to make predicted landfall in Haiti, thus depriving officials of millions of dollars in aid money they expected to pocket and aid workers of their anticipated good feelings in pretending to help the island nation's stricken.

India's Tata Group will devise a 2-D printed automobile that will sell for 545-thousand rupees or $28.14 US and sell 450,000 of them before realizing that they meant 3-D and the cars don't work.

Burger King will offer to buy Time-Warner for $6.8 billion but TW will reject the offer because it would require all employees to wear those stupid-looking cardboard crowns.

November:

The biggest news of the month will be the election of Hillary Clinton as President of the United States, an event already covered elsewhere in this overview of antidictions.

Mrs. Clinton's election will turn out to have been hacked and rigged by out of work former KGB agents who must show their loyalty to keep those big- ruble pension checks rolling in.

 Denver, the Cincinnati of the west will start to advertise itself as future home of a major US seaport if climate conditions persist.

December:

Santa Clause will reject Elon Musk's offer to replace his slay with a Tesla SUV because there are no charging stations between Hudson's Bay and Angle, Minnesota, northernmost town in the continental United States.

Bob Dylan will stun attendees at the Nobel Prize ceremony by introducing his two newest songs, "Take the A Train" and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" as onlookers try to find ways to tell them he's plagiarized.

WestraDamus will skip 2016 believing that nothing significant will happen during the year gone by.

For those of you who want to analyze or nit pick this opus will be available through 2017 at

http://westradamus.com/